Most times I can't remember the password to get my email or to grab that loose change off the dresser before I leave the house for work. It's funny... the things that you remember and the things that you don't, you know. I come to these rooms for one reason, to remember what I don't want to become... weak.

Having this space to let go of feelings I would never let out has so much meaning to me. You see, the thing I don't remember most is being strong. I want to be and in here it allows me to be. It gives me full access to be whatever I want with no questions asked.

I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you and I can't remember now the last time I felt like that. I don't have the energy for that any more. I can't remember the last time I was asleep before midnight.

Now I don't have any particular wisdom to impart to you people, except to say this I think all of us - want to feel something that we've forgotten or turned our backs on because maybe we didn't realize how much we were leaving behind. We need to remember what used to be good. If we don't, we won't recognize it even if it hits us between the eyes.

Here as I sit and write these words I am strong and I am confidant that tomorrow I'll remember to grab that loose change off the dresser But seriously we all really know that I'll forget it, again. That is the reality.

I don't even remember what it was I was mad about now and I don't care. What I'm trying to say is, if your here reading this and you don't remember anything else that I've said, just remember this:

When a bubble's gone, you don't see it anymore with your eyes. And when an opera is over, you don't hear it anymore with your ears. But you can remember it. You can remember what bubbles look like and what operas sound like and what friends feel like. And you'll always have them with you in your memory. -Mister Rogers!

Okay... so I may sometimes forget the little mustard packages until it's took late and I so don't want to walk all the way back up front for them which means i'll have to eat my corn dog plain. And sometimes I may even forget that my friends know me and they do care and really do what me to be strong and happy. But it's nice to know that I'll always have this place for my words. Be it to make me stronger or to keep my spirits up or to just let out some much needed steam.

It's really nice to know I'll always have a place to... remember.

-LuLu wuz HeRe (well she has to be somewhere)

121107 @ 1:23 A.M.

You’re the center of me
And you’re a sinner in me
A saint in the wait, but the weight keeps bringing me down

And I’m the beggar of you
You’re taking me when you choose
My words of desire are going to set me on fire tonight

Cause how you leaned on me
And how you’d sing to me
That’s what you mean to me,
And it’s perfectly you

And You’re the end of my nights,
The starting thoughts at sunrise
You’ve got me changing but the same things are holding me back

But what I do, it’s all for you
It’s understood you don’t like the change
But don’t leave me out, I want you now
I’m sorry how I can’t turn you away
But you’re worth so much, a priceless touch
And I worry, when you’re not perfectly you

-fta


Today was a good day "ya'll" almost "perfect"

I know, I know, good days for me are hard to come by and today I will have to say was or at least started out as a very good day. I knew going into it after discovering yesterday before leaving work that everyone who gives me the hard days would be off today and that the freedom I desire and relish so much would or could be enjoyed today and for the most part it was. And for that...I'm happy. What? Who just wrote that ? 

That's right folks you heard it here first.  Wow. I didn't think my fingers would even let me type such words.

Oh, happiness if only it could be bought in little perfume size bottles and sprayed on you each morning. How great would that be. I know I'd love it.  

Working in retail sure can take the Christmas Spirit right away from ya. I'm trying so hard to find it but it's hiding pretty well. For such a small town we sure boom this time a year that's saying it lightly. I sold twenty four Nintendo Wii's in thirty two minutes. Can you believe that and left people wanting more. Geesh.. I wonder how many are sitting on       E B A Y tonight???

Q: Does someone have your number? 
A: Yep and it's Luke (aka "the pen guy!")

- LuLu

Another BLACK FRIDAY has came and went and I'm surprised to say it wasn't that bad. Honestly I'm very proud of my little town this year they were calm and understanding and I'm guessing a lot of them were too broke to even show up. 

People shopping online I think also helped in keeping our Mob to it's all time lowest. It was crazy nonetheless and quick and I was left both unharmed and without scars marking the date. HA!

it's true my only complaint for the day was my manager. She is such a horrible spirited person most times and one of these days too the moon with ya I'm telling you. She does things just for spite and it angers me so much.

I am totally aware that my supposed manager doesn't value me or the work that I do in any way, form, shape or size and I'm also very aware that she doesn't show any concern for the department in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever.

The years I've spent in her shadow have not equipped me with the mental strength needed to tell her up close and personal that she is wrong and that I'm not gonna take it anymore. So in turn I hide away for the weekend and wait for my anger to subside leaving my area completely without guidance. Sorry Ryan!

If I was smart, I wouldn't be working there after all that she's done that has irritated me over the last ten years. But you just get stuck in ruts and can't find your way out thanks to the daily need for food and shelter. 

Oh, Dear!

Actually I'm pretty good at my job as meaningless as others may think of it to be. I shouldn't be the one who wants out or needs to leave. If I had my way it would be a great job with great people working along side of me getting out all the dead wood who makes it hell in there. The customers do their fair share of driving me crazy but it's the co workers that refuse to learn things, walk at a steady snail pace and are absolutely annoying thinking they know everything and don't know jack! If a girl could be so lucky. There was a time when there was a light at the end of the tunnel and yet I can't see it anymore. It's very dark and I'm finding myself very afraid of the dark these days. What do I do? Oh sleepy time... Tomorrow is another day, Monday!

nite all,

-LuLu

Three Things I Missing right now:

N Television:
Gilmore Girls (Oy, with the poodles already)
Friends (smelly cat)
Charmed (Season Eight on DvD Birthday hint **wink wink**)

N Movies:
John Cusack (where is he? martian kid movie, did I miss it?)
Julia Roberts (the old stuff....)
Oh, Matthew Mcconaughey time to come out and play no shirt required!

N Family:
My Grandma Mary L. (twenty years and I still feel you beside me)
My Bugboy (I need a hug badly)
My Sister (have to go to big lots to see her these days)

N Friendship:
Silvia (she needs to visit me soon)
Patty (I just hope she's happy)
Miranda (needs to get back to work)

N Career
Hangin' Out in Parking lot Pre Section Seven
Tammy C. Being my Boss
Everyone who left me behind ... U know who U are....

N Relationships:
Jason (Always)
Eddie (sometimes)
Johnny (never well never say never)

N Life
My Old Apartment (where I lived alone....fish and visitor's stink after three days)
Playing Canasta til 4 a.m. (I'm ready for a rematch I've already got the Jack)
Babysitting (all those damn kids are having kids now)

N General:
Lookin' @ you, Lookin' @ me when....
a great song comes on the radio that I haven't heard in years but needed to hear at that moment and .....
you just know it's .....LOVE, (YEP!)

What three things are you missing >>>RIGHT NOW????

LuLU

It's four a.m. and I'm AWAKE!  Go to sleep LuLu! Haha Yeah Oh, Kay! 

My Lord what's wrong with me?

I screwed up............again. I let my emotions get to me and I let things go wrong......again. I want to know with all my heart that I was right but was I? Now I'm not so sure. This is EXACTLY what I didn't want to happen. EXACTLY what I knew would happen. Again. . . . . It's happened....again.. FUCK YOU SEPTEMBER please go away now!

I don't think it really even matters anymore at this point, huh? 4:08

What can you do you can't make choices for anyone other than yourself and oh well maybe they aren't the right ones but they are yours for the making. I do know it's not my fault this time nor last time and yet that doesn't change anything now does it? 

Nope it's still four in the morning and I'm still here thinking about it!  FUCK SEPTEMBER !!

*Although things have improved some in "our" dept over this past year I still feel that there is no teamwork in "our" area. We are a very high demanding area and we are never properly staffed. Due to the understaffing in "Our" department there is no room for improving on "our" lack of teamwork*   Psst! Cuz dey jerks... is what I really wanted to add but ... you can't do that or CAN U?

But Lou that's where all your friends are and they miss you, they really do!

Yep that's right. Going back to work tomorrow 9 to 6 all week.. this was my last vacation of the year puts kind of an official end to it all and yet it's only September...ugh I hate September so much I really do it's the saddest month of the year for me and I really hate that.

But on the bright side of things it's been so good just laying around and waking up late actually taking naps in the middle of the day wearing clothes that aren't navy blue and tan actual clothes you like wearing omg freakin' jeans. I love just getting up and putting on a pair of jeans how crazy is that. I had alot of plans that kinda fell through for my vacation and that sucks but it went well in all and I'm alot more relaxed. 

The next few months will fly by and it's gonna be so busy at work I am really not looking forward to that. So many changes I am gonna have to deal with and I really hate changes. I do like seriously I would be that girl who wishes everything when it's good would just stay the same but the bad things are always creeping up on you and thankfully so far I've had the strength to overcome it. And Hopefully I will continue to do so. 

Things to look forward to:

Miranda's baby boy will be here on the 28th.. "Ethan James" I know she can't wait.. she's only been pregnant for three years...LOL and you think I'm joking but I'm not.. he's her second child her son "Malichai Jeremiah" was born in November of last year. I wonder if she even thinks about what it will be like to wear clothes again. One more week girl... one more week!


My Birthday no matter how much "older" I get I still love it, cuz it's my day...  in another three years check back with me cuz I'm telling you right now that birthday will probably hit me harder than when I turned 30. Yikes I'm sweating thinking about it now... but really I love my birthday!

Ah, TEN YEARS in Hell sounds bad but seriously I think it's a good accomplishment. I'm not being conceded I know i'm a hard worker,  I'm very good at my job and I used to really love it back when it was fun back before all the snotty people came about and make it so hard to be nice to people. Back when we all loved it and it was the place to be in this small town. Before the corporations decided we need to be bigger and better and shot all the family values to hell and who knows anyone in that place anymore the turnover rate is almost 90 percent. It sucks really the changes they put us through is more and more and they are so dumb. Oh well, like i'm always told it's like that everywhere yeah right.  It's hell but I live through it cuz there's a mortgage to be paid and well I'm not one to hit the streets if you know what I mean umm especially in this city. :) 

Christmas who doesn't look forward to that. I love it. I never get what I want or need but it's still a great Holiday and yes it is the one and only day my "place of business" is actually closed so for that reason alone I love it even more. I love seeing kids faces on Christmas. That's the best, it really is. 

Geez.. it's late like 8 pm already wow this day has been spent. I guess i'll get off this things and do something ugh.. tomorrow back to work... yep!

peace,
lou!

PS> the best part of this week was watchin my nephew catch the ball on the kick off return and run it all the way back for a touchdown putting his team in the lead and looking over at my sister who was cheering her butt off and didn't know it was her son that was running until I told her and her face was priceless when she realized it was him that was the first game we both got to attend because of work and we had a ball who cares it was hot as hell and I almost died from heat stroke (LOL.. like I'm for real I was dying) but it was great!!!

LIFE IS WONDERFUL NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT SUCKS SOMETIMES!

see ya, bye!

If I was the weather I'd be Partly Cloudy with a slight chance of Rain today.

My vacation is on it's fifth day and yet I haven't done anything worth the wow! Why well who has money, not I.

I did take "bug" to see Underdog which wasn't a great movie but enjoyable and he's six so he laughed his butt off and I was happy for that. Tonight was bowling and well I did kick butt and scored 151/122/179 all awesome scores for my usual 134 average. I was being mean to Dave with text but he loves it and I am thinkin there might be something there I'm crossing fingers and trying not to get any hopes up.  To be continued....

My Goodness today was Wednesday and I didn't have twenty boxes of music to sort and place on the counter alphabetically and by genre. YAH ME!! :) 

I slept in missing both the Early Show and House Calls Darn it. And CBS is taking it's time updating. Oh well BB is over for another summer. Survivor begins tomorrow. Shift gears and go on. PS> Donato's WIN Dick 1st Dani 2nd!!!

Well that's my time folks... until next time 

Peace!

lulu